Editorial introduction
In this post from John Cooley, attention turns to one of the most anxiety-filled moments a surviving family faces: the first appointment at the mortuary. He shares the preparation strategy he developed over years of accompanying families through this experience—and explains why no family should ever have to walk in without knowing what is coming. It is a practical, compassionate approach to one of the least-discussed responsibilities in funeral coordination.
After any death—especially a line-of-duty death—the family typically experiences a period of uncertainty, anxiety, and fear of the unknown. They know that many decisions will need to be made. They may not know what all of them are, but they know some will be difficult. One of the first decisions they face is selecting a mortuary. Once that is done, many dread that first meeting. Here is an opportunity for a funeral coordinator to provide some very important support.
I always tried to meet with the family the evening before their initial appointment at the mortuary. During this meeting, I would explain what to expect. I reviewed the questions they would be asked, the decisions they would likely be expected to make, and the tasks they would need to complete. I learned that preparing them for this visit gave the family a sense of self-control, lowered their anxiety, and reduced the fears that come from not knowing what's ahead.
1. Is the Death Certificate Accurate?
I had a copy of the death certificate form and reviewed all the questions they would be asked. Much of the information the surviving family already knew, but there were often a few items they needed to research. I made clear that if they didn't have some information, that was fine—it could be provided later.
2. Clothing Questions
Families were usually concerned about clothing. I told them it was not necessary to bring clothing to the first visit. I gave them a list of items typically needed, and if the deceased was an officer who would be buried in uniform, I had a checklist for that as well.
3. Providing a Portrait
I explained that the mortuary would ask for a photograph, but only if there was going to be a viewing. The mortuary needs the picture for cosmetology purposes—not identification. So the family should choose a photo that depicted their loved one at their best, as they would want them to look at the viewing.
4. Viewing Options
The family would be expected to decide whether there would be a viewing. I made sure they had time to think through that decision before walking in the door.
5. Burial or Cremation?
This is one of the most important decisions to be made, and it includes selecting a casket or an urn. I provided booklets explaining the differences between burial and cremation. Most people truly don't know. It is a very personal decision, and it should be a well-informed one. Being asked that question for the first time at the mortuary—and realizing a decision is expected on the spot—is not acceptable.
6. Financial Options
Other decisions may include selecting flower arrangements, guest books, prayer cards, memorial pamphlets, and limousines. Then there are financial issues to discuss and clarify. Even in a line-of-duty death, there are often costs the family will need to cover. They need to be prepared. And there was still the memorial park to visit, the actual service to plan, and more.
Reviewing the types of decisions they would be asked to make—and what those decisions involved—was enormously helpful to family members. Something as simple as giving them a list of questions they would be asked, and information they would need to provide, so they could walk in prepared, made a real difference.
Many times our job as funeral coordinator is not complicated. It's simply about being resourceful, knowledgeable, and people-oriented.
Someone needs to care. If we don't do it, who will?
By John Cooley | Policefunerals.com